silent reverie

Going Christmas shopping today left me with an unpleasant realization of how I'd rather someone not buy me something because it lets me off the hook too. Finally watched the new star trek, and the best part of it all was that I finally know why they say "Beam me up Scotty". Also Sylar's eyebrows were terribly distracting. I think I like the breezy, earthy laidback fashion because it mirrors my desire to not care so much all the time. Every time I see someone write on your wall and say they're excited to see you soon, I feel a twinge and wish it were me. I miss falling asleep on the car. I can't seem to remember the last time I did, but I guess that's what happens when you start being the driver all the time. I wonder if some of the people who changed my life even remember me today. Ashley Webb probably has no idea that she was the person who made me want to go into ministry and disciple girls. Oh wow that was seven years ago. I just found Ashley on face...

So on Wednesday, I survived an explosion. Alright to be fair, it was less of an explosion and more of a sudden mid-sized flame that came up from the sewers as I drove by. But all the same, I'll call it an explosion to give myself some bragging rights...perhaps add some flying debris to the story the next time I tell it. All the same, I felt the impact of the blow as I drove by in my little Fit, and had to stop my car since I thought I had hit something/someone. There was a flame blazing on the sidewalk and I paused for a while to watch, but I soon continued to drive since I was afraid to be late for my test (yeah I know leave me alone). Later that day, I mentioned what had happened to my mom and she was shocked, telling me that the entire street was blocked off for the better part of the day. She gave me a hug. "That was a close one." The fragility of human life is something that I try not to think about. Being 20 years old, sickness and death are foreign concepts,...

" Oh, my dear children! I feel as if I’m going through labor pains for you again, and they will continue until Christ is fully developed in your lives. I wish I were with you right now so I could change my tone. But at this distance I don’t know how else to help you." Galatians 4:19-20 It may seem odd that a grown man would describe his concern over the Galatian church as labor pains, but as I read this verse this morning, the words struck something in me because I realized that oftentimes I feel the same way as Paul. This realization came as a complete surprise to me, for I would never compare myself to the apostle who wrote most of the New Testament and spread the Gospel to the farthest reaches of the known world of his time. But let me explain why I connect with this verse so well, especially lately. Most of you probably know that I've been a leader at church for most of my life. It's something that comes with its sacrifices and its joys, but even to this day I wo...

The sky outside my window flashes brilliantly, and I brace myself for the rumble that will follow. My desk resonates with the loud clap of thunder, and my air conditioner sings with the lively patter of raindrops. There's something inexplicably exhilarating about being in such close proximity with a raging storm. I've always been fascinated by nature. It's so commonplace: the sun sets and rises everyday, rains come and go, the leaves change color, and snows cover our roads. But yet there's something so pure and beautiful about nature that no matter how familiar it may be, it always has the power to stop me in my tracks. I find it amazing how God uses the constants of nature to remind us of Himself. It's so easy to get lost in the grind of petty tasks that blind us to the miracle of a sunrise. And so easy to forget to glance up and revel in the God who gave it to us. Those last two points were written for myself more than anything. A couple of weeks ago, I li...

It's been a long time since I've written anything in here. Oftentimes I don't feel like I have much to say, and I don't want to write anything that isn't worth reading. I have my own journal where I write down my ups and downs, so that by the time I open up this blog, I feel like I'm all talked out. But for some reason, I've been asked a couple of times lately to update my blog already and I realized that perhaps it's time to write again. Loneliness is a tricky thing. Everyone feels it and yet it doesn't bring us together. Just about every other emotion - anger, joy, grief, excitement, affection, hatred - can be shared with someone, and there can be a sort of camaraderie when that person feels the same way you do. But loneliness is something experienced .. well, alone. What I mean is that inherent within the emotion of loneliness is the feeling of alienation from the rest of the world. Like that prick in your heart when you hear everyone else...

It's 1AM right now, and I'm not tired yet. Sleep has been especially elusive lately, which is strange for me. I'm the one who has never pulled an all-nighter for school, who begins to feel my bed beckoning me around 10:30, and is usually knocked out within the hour. It's an odd feeling, but perhaps it's something I should get used to. I've been learning alot of new things about myself lately. I've also learned that peace is very different from nonchalance. I've heard stories from people I respect and admire about different times in their lives when they say they heard God ask them to make a difficult choice. They say that they just knew that they had to (fill in difficult life decision here) and even though their emotions and their reason wrestled against it, their spirits were in agreement with the voice of God. When I hear these accounts, I would often wonder what it felt like to feel God urging me to make a decision that could change my life for...

A couple of days ago, I received a packet of information for my didactic year of PA school. Out of the 9 sheets of paper, 7 of them have lists of required purchases. Books, medical supplies (I get to circle my color preference for my stethoscope), membership fees for 2 different organizations, and a fee for a background check (strangest thing I've ever heard). As I read through each page of requirements, my head began to spin and my heart began to sink. This all seems so ... irreversible. I told a friend that at times I feel like I was pushed onto one of those escalators in the airports (the ones that are just flat and not stairs), and I find myself moving rapidly toward a direction with no way out. But a part of me is also excited to see what awaits me at the end of the moving strip. I suppose it had never really hit me that I am about to be trained in the medical field until I realized I'm being asked to buy an otoscope. I'm still struggling a bit with what I want t...

I've been slowly making my way through Francis Chan's Crazy Love and today I arrived at an excerpt by A.W. Tozer that was such a beautiful yet painful depiction of my heart's cry that I simply had to put it in here. I pray that this resonates with you as well as it did with me. "O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."

The silence presses in around me. It came on so suddenly. Now all I can do is wait it out.

There are days when what I feel cannot be what I believe Because if it were, I wouldn't be able to continue believing So what can I cling to When chilling winter storms try to convince me No one's there? Self-indulgent loneliness is crippling The silence deafening, the dissatisfaction blinding I become jealous of snapshots Glimpses of what I believed to be more colorful lives Lives full of freedom For so long I sat still, waving my banners "You wouldn't understand" "You don't really know me" As the wind sent fingers of cold deep into my chest Feeling for my heart, assuring me that My fears were real But one day, I felt the icy cold flee from within As an altogether new wave steals over me Sprung from the sound of these simple words I'm so lonely for you, Deb. Why won't you talk to me? I miss you. For months I have longed for noise Longed to be surrounded, wanted, and invited While all He wanted, was to be invited into my heart's conversat...

Three days after I've returned home, I still find it difficult to process everything to make a coherent and cohesive account of my experiences. I discovered many things about myself that I didn't know existed. I watched as people who had literally lost everything they had wake up at 4AM every morning to worship and pray. The Haitian people rocked my understanding of clinging to the Lord and finding strength and joy in His presence. On the flight to Haiti, I already began to get a feel for what the Haitian culture is like. The people are very passionate, in good ways and bad. A man on the plane got angry that someone had placed their carryon luggage in the space above his assigned seat, so he took it out and left it in the aisle as he proceeded to put his own bags into the compartment. The Americans around him sat wide-eyed at his boldness and his fierce determination to "get what's his". I met the girl who sat next to me. Her name was Desiree, and she live...

How much of happiness is an emotion, and how much of it is a state of mind? Are unhappy people unfortunate enough to have less opportunities to experience the emotion of happiness, or are they simply so used to feeling unhappy that they have almost subconsciously willed themselves into unhappiness... If I have to be completely honest with myself, it's been very easy for me to be unhappy lately. Even as I am typing this, I am fighting off the familiar waves of sadness that lapping at my heart. It seems to be beyond my circumstances, and to be rooted in a deeper dissatisfaction. Usually when I write in here, I like to have a neat topic I can offer my two cents on, and leave it at that. But today, I just have this uncomfortable urge to figure out what is going on inside me. Why am I sad? Why do I feel so alone? What can solve this feeling of isolation that plagues me so heavily? Sadness can really sap your energy. Last night, I came back from Julie's birthday with a heart f...

We're only human. I've often heard it as an excuse. It's said with a shrug of the shoulders, a sigh of resignation, or a tone of indignation. Humanity is synonymous with imperfection. It is the burden we all must bear. But sometimes it isn't just an excuse. Sometimes it's a reminder. We all know in our heads that we are faulty beings with selfish inclinations. But what happens when we find ourselves in a position where we feel as if we must be more than "just human"? What happens when we find ourselves balancing the delicate and volatile lives of those who have come to see glimpses of God through our actions? What happens when we forget for an instant that we are only human and suddenly expect so much more than that from ourselves. And what happens when reality knocks us off our carefully constructed soap boxes and we're suddenly so much more human than we ever thought we were. We wince a little. We look around, hoping nobody saw us fall; know...

Well I didn't really have anything to say...I just wanted to address you guys. So hello! (And feel free to leave a comment now and then) =D - Inspired by Kevin Tseng

The word "forgiveness" holds within it a mystery and a miracle so profound that as flawed human beings, we often use it in a flawed way. As Christians, we can also call ourselves The Forgiven. This title implies the action performed by someone or something other than ourselves that has given us this new identity; in other words, we needed the forgiveness of God in order for us to become who we are. All of this is basic Christianity 101 and should be what we first encounter when we enter into this amazing and wild relationship with our Creator. But what happens when the tables are turned and we are faced with the seemingly impossible task of extending this gift of forgiveness (for it truly is a gift) from one broken person to the other? I've felt profoundly wounded by those closest to me before, and the hurt can pierce so deeply that there seems to be no way out of it. The more I talk about the wrong I've sustained, the more indignant and self-righteous I become. ...