silent reverie

This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. 16 But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life. 17 All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. 1 Timothy 1:15-17

Life is good. And not because anything I've been struggling with has changed, but instead I feel like I've been changed and only through one simple decision. Two weeks ago I was very discouraged and my heart had become rebellious and angry at everyone and everything. Nothing seemed to be working for me, and I kept getting into arguments with those I cared for the most. Each time I would slip deeper into my discouragement until I could barely see hope in my life. I felt like I had gotten the short end of the stick and I kept saying that I would rather have a different type of problem in my life rather than go through what I've been going through (as though I knew it would be easier to live someone else's life). But a week ago, I woke up on Monday morning after a very difficult weekend. I was drained emotionally and spiritually and I didn't think I would have the strength to go through finals week. But somehow, deep within me, past all my stubbornness an...

For as long as I have been able to write my feelings, I've always claimed that writing is one of my favorite pastimes. However, I've never been able to write in my journals faithfully, or post consistently in this blog (or any other). It doesn't meant that I never have anything to say, or that things in my life are perfectly fine and I need no emotional outlet. I suppose for me, writing used to be a way to just throw all of my jumbled thoughts and feelings out into the air and watch them settle down and reorganize themselves in a way I can better understand. But these past couple of years, I've begun to internalize things more. Perhaps "internalize" isn't the best word, because it connotes a ticking time bomb or something. I've simply begun to mull over things in my mind more, and when I sit down to write something, it just doesn't feel necessary to rehash everything I've sorted through. But I think the real reason I don't write out e...

I've never had a favorite pair of shoes before I met those Keds. I've had shoes that I favored, shoes that were comfortable, shoes that were uncomfortable but nice to look at so I stuck it out, and shoes that were sensible (clunky colorful rainboots, anyone?). I never knew that a bond between shoe and master could be so strong. And yet, I've always wanted to wear out a pair of shoes until it became just cloth and rubber, the way a little girl wears out her favorite doll from overuse. And then...they found me. In a casual browse through a shoe store on a random afternoon, I saw them and they just knew how to get me to buy them: they were on sale. I loved the thin pieces of cloth stitched in oblique stripes, the warm fall color of the various fabrics, the little cherries that were hidden within the shoe. They were comfortable, matched with everything, and I wasn't afraid to get them a little dirty. It's been almost a year and we're still in love. Funny ho...

A list of testimonies from the Blueprint Retreat 09 as a way to remind myself of what God did and has promised to do: - Sabrina and Gloria and Stephanie coming to the retreat - Saturday Night - Connor felt the love of God and took the initiative to go pray with Jeff and Derek - Julie came back from going to the cabin to sleep and went instead to pray with us until 11:30! A very divine appointment, and I witnessed her experience with the love of God as well. - All of us prayed for Kevin's knee with such love and faith! Kevin's knee didn't hurt even after he climbed the mountain with us. Praise God! - Kevin's encounter with God and his newfound determination to serve Him - Derek coming back into a relationship with God after a summer of being away. - God restoring His joy into my heart through 15 minutes of laughter. - The boys praying and encouraging each other in the faith all throughout the retreat. - Jeffrey's journey of battling doubt and hesitation o...

I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you it's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care If I close my eyes, it's not there With my headphones on, with my headphones on With my headphones on, with my headphones on We watch television...but the sound is something else Just a song played against the drama, so the hurt is never felt I take in the war-fires, and I'm chilled by the current events it's so hopeless, but there's a pop song in my Headphones on, in my headphones on With my headphones on, with my headphones on At the Tube Stop, you sit down across from me (I can see you looking back at me) I think I know you By the sad eyes that I see I want to tell you (It's a heavy world) Everything will be okay You wouldn't hear it (I don't want to have to hear it) So we go our separate ways... With our headphones on, with our headphones on With our headphones on, with our headphones on I don...

I woke up this morning at 7AM, rather grouchily and annoyed that I had to be up so early on my day off. I dragged myself downstairs, plopped down on a dining room chair, and stared at my dad with an expression that clearly stated that I would rather be in bed. Last night, he decided that we needed to have devotions together as a family (as in us older ones with him), and the only time we could have it was before Rebekah went to work. But as I sat there, I began to chide myself on my infantile behavior, and as I became more awake, I began to wonder what God would speak through my father. It wasn't easy getting out of that mood, but I wasn't disappointed! We flipped to that famous Jeremiah 29:11 verse, that we whip out for our Christian friends when we struggled with college apps, or break-ups, and a million other times to just remind ourselves that we're not dropped into this often terrible world to just survive and disappear. However, to imagine a glorious destiny, a ...

I had a nice run-in today with the lovely DJ right after I had lunch with Linda. Both girls mentioned that they read my blog (which caught me by surprise) and so I was readily convicted about not updating in such a long time. So here is a rather random rant (whoa tongue twister) about my childish observation on romantic love. It is a given that my views on this topic will change in a few short years, but I feel that I've always shied away from writing on this because so much of it is so private. However, I'll give it a shot! (Dedicated to Linda and DJ Being in love is a beautiful swirl of anxiety and peace, immaturity and growth, bursting joy and crippling pain. In the beginning, every emotion experienced is full and bright and colorful. And yet the transient state of romance is so fickle and elusive that although the entire human race has been obsessed with writing the laws of love since time began, no one has found the formula yet. Even Christians get it wrong. Those ...

"Well, then, will you sing me a song? I've never heard you sing" asked Ruthie. "I can't. I don't know how." "Papa says anybody can sing." "It has to come from inside, and I don't have anything left inside." "Really?" Ruth said, amazed. "How did that happen?" "It all just drained out." Ruth frowned, studying Angel critically from head to foot. "You look fine to me." "Looks can be deceiving." Still perplexed, Ruth sat in her lap. "Then I'll sing to you."

So today I was scrolling through some of my old drafts that have been abandoned by their loving creator, and I came across a draft I had titled "Teacups". I remember wanting to write something about teacups but never actually getting around to it, and as I thought about it more, I wanted to write about it more. So without further ado, here is my odd little rant about teacups. Now I'm sure when you see the word "teacups" you naturally think of sophistication, or tea parties, or the Queen, or scones. All of these words invoke a feeling of calmness, relaxation, and elegance. I personally love tea, and I love tea parties (if you haven't gone to the Rose House in Queens Crossing, you should save up some money to go. it's the closest to England i'll ever be). You could understand, therefore, how upset I am over the fact that one of the most distinct and popular carnival rides is making a mockery out of these symbols of civilization at its finest. Per...

It's usually difficult for me to recount conferences or retreats that have really impacted my life without sounding preachy. I start off saying how a certain speaker really moved me and showed me something new about myself and my God, and then find myself going into a point-by-point summary of their message. But the text on the screen cannot compare to the spirit of God working through a service. So with all of that said, I'll ... try my best not to do that. At least I won't use bullet points ... This weekend, there was a youth conference that my church was asked to help with worship. The main focus of this one and a half day conference was the subject of Marriage and Purity. Going into this conference, I was not excited and not impressed. I felt that I had heard it all before (and I had), and was afraid that the speaker would be old and awkward, and the youth would be turned off by the promotion of what seems like an archaic lifestyle. My attention was focused outward for ...

The weather shouldn't affect our moods, and dictate the way we feel during the day. But thinking about my long, cloudy yesterday with its troubling thoughts and tiresome obligations, I can't help but feel excited for today's 64 and sunny day. Even before the sun has fully risen, I can hear the cheerful cries of the birds echoing off the houses and stirring inside me this strange anticipation for spring. I don't think I've ever been so excited for spring to come before. Every other year, this season has simply crept up on me, and I was too busy with life to sit down in my room and just feel the world change around me. It blows my mind when I really think about how the seasons change, about the hand of God quietly shifting the backdrop of my world as I live out my life. Somehow, I feel like there's something more to it than simply shedding layers of clothes and then putting them on again. I can't really put it into words yet. Somehow, I feel the same ho...

My nosiness always gets the best of me... deleting that self-addressed message now =)

Too often the right thing and the hardest thing are the same. And there's nothing more lonely than doing the right thing, because in the end, it boils down to you and your choices. That's it.

The world from the eyes of a sheltered girl is beautiful. It may be marred, but her only connection with this imperfection is to say a quick prayer for the less fortunate souls and remember, with dutiful gratitude, how privileged she is in comparison. But as she grows up, the reality of pain and imperfection begin to evolve from the unwelcome guests of her childhood to permanent pieces of her life's fabric. This creeping in often occurs somewhat earlier for most people. By the time the government grants them the right to bear the weight of legal adulthood, their weathered eyes are able to look out among the suddenly broader world and know that for all its promises, pain will always remain a constant. But as I stepped over into this arbitrary adult role, my eyes were only just adjusting to the darkness of this world, and more appallingly, the darkness in myself. I struggled to accept the reality that so many had already embraced, and found my pain jarring and confusing. I rem...

But I am no match for Mr. John Steinbeck ..

Now that I'm taking an official hiatus from the two most diabolical weapons of procrastination in my life, Youtube and Facebook, I have decided to start blogging again. I love to write, but I am also terrible at finishing entries. Many times, I get inspired to write about something, and I clack away for a good hour or so. But then, I get distracted midsentence, and the train of thought gets stuck in its tracks, and the poor unfinished entry remains under Drafts . And there it stays until I either finish it with a lame sentence or two (which is what I did with the last entry..hehe), or I delete it altogether. So hopefully that horrible fate does not await this entry. I named this post "Shapes". I suppose the word is fascinating to me because it is used in so many different ways. Especially when it comes to people. Today was probably the most beautiful day of the year thus far: 60 degrees and sunny in early February. What did mankind do to deserve that?! And...

It's Monday morning and I spent the night dreaming about today. I slept fitfully, while my to-do list paraded itself before my mind's eye in sequences of events that were close to reality but exaggerated by my worries. I dreamed of school and pushing myself to stay alert to the professor's droning words, and of wanting to meet and interact with people not being able to move myself to. Work was a chaotic swirl of red tables, impatient people, gossiping coworkers, and frantic trips to and from the kitchen. Wrap each dream up in an overlaying feeling of anxiety and weariness and one gets a night of sleep that is more exhausting than the day that preceded it. But I'm awake now, and though it takes a few minutes to shake the dreams from my head, I felt an immediate sense of peace as soon as the habitual words "Good morning, Lord" crossed my mind. When there is nothing in the day that I could really look forward to, and even when I dread facing the inevitabl...

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