silent reverie

I need it, I want it, and I really need to do it.

Happy is a yuppie word Blessed is the man who's lost it all Happy is a yuppie word Looking for an orphanage I'm looking for a bridge I can't burn down I don't believe the emptiness I'm looking for the kingdom coming down Everything is meaningless I want more than simple cash can buy Happy is a yuppie word ~Jon Foreman We spend our lives searching for small ways to release the endorphins in our mind that give us short bursts of happiness, and we measure the "good-ness" of our days by the number of bursts we receive. On a good day, we receive an A on our midterm, got three or more compliments on our new clothes, bag, earrings, haircut, caught the bus on time, and completed all of our work with enough time to sneak a nice long facebook stalk session. On a bad day, we opposite usually happens. And from day to day, we live in hopes that the good will balance out the bad so we can remain relatively cheerful throughout. But at the end of the day, what do we ha...

My life is changing and in a direction I never expected it to take. It is changing in such a brilliant and exuberant and terrifying way that I am constantly confounded by how well I maintain the thin veneer of calm that I present to most people. This veneer neatly hides my churning questions and the exhilarating possibilities of life, as well as its grave consequences, that all shout, coax, and stare at me from every angle. At the end of my day, the trite phrases and Sunday school sayings that nourished me from childhood can no longer satisfy me, not unlike the way I have lost my appetite for warm milk before bedtime. The "tried and true" formulas for love and life that have worked for others may not and somehow do not work for me anymore, because the key to "tried and true" is the fact that someone tried. It was attempted, a risk was made, a desire fulfilled. Consequence or no consequence, they tried. And what they found is their story. And for those who su...

Snow fell thick and small It buried a starlit fog You remembered it all I'm sleepdriving away Metal and mold, bourbon and clove Mirrors and smoke, yesterday's clothes I'm sleepdriving away Eyes through your window, I stare out And some, someday we'll be too old Swirling round, the light above Outside the crows were waking up It's nearly dawn Motel home was nearly gone No sleep at all I came across this song by Grand Archives while I was not studying for chem and browsing through related artists on imeem. I just love the verbal imagery combined with the wistful, magical musical accompaniment, and it just might be a new favorite song of the ... day.

So this is going to be an entry to simply detail one or two exciting things that have happened in the past couple of days. Nothing fancy or thought-provoking; just an overexcited child wanting to share her news and stories through this semi-public medium (and besides my facebook status isn't long enough to fit all this). So on Monday, I got a chance to hang out with Eunsoo (I really can't call her christina in text for some reason) for her birthday. We went to a really (far) nice bakery called Panera bread, which everyone probably knows about but me. Until now! I love bread... Why am I excited? For future knitting projects (I wanna be able to make those weird knitted sleeve things) that have become convenient and simplified "for the busy knitter". Tuesday was Wicked! And let me tell you...it was good. Kerry Ellis played Elphaba and she was amazing (and very pretty in green might I add). It was hilarious, heart-wrenching, the effects and the technology impres...

Happiness will come. For everything else, there's joy.

I know it should be "pains", but for me, it's more like bouts of difficulty interrupted by periods of longing for more difficulty so that I can know that I'm growing. It's been on my mind alot lately. Not just the typical "I want to get up and get out of here" feeling of teenage rebellion, but more a dissatisfaction of the comfortably easy life that I've lived up until now. So comfortable that it's slowly becoming a bit suffocating. I'm a romantic, or a daydreamer, or a girl who has made wishful thinking such a part of her mind that it's difficult separate the lofty from the realistic. But even so, I have a simple longing right now to be on my own. Not a lone ranger or someone who sits in a park by herself all day. But working, sleeping, eating, achieving, planning, and simply living without my bubble wrap. To feel satisfaction in the personal triumphs, to make my own decisions, to go places with people when I want to go, to work w...

Bone-weary is a term that I've only read in books but have never used to describe myself. And I don't know if I would even use it now. But I am a little tired today. More than physically or mentally, but I just feel tired. Tired and tired of being tired. Also a little tired of myself. Who I am and all that jazz.