silent reverie

It's 1AM right now, and I'm not tired yet. Sleep has been especially elusive lately, which is strange for me. I'm the one who has never pulled an all-nighter for school, who begins to feel my bed beckoning me around 10:30, and is usually knocked out within the hour. It's an odd feeling, but perhaps it's something I should get used to. I've been learning alot of new things about myself lately. I've also learned that peace is very different from nonchalance. I've heard stories from people I respect and admire about different times in their lives when they say they heard God ask them to make a difficult choice. They say that they just knew that they had to (fill in difficult life decision here) and even though their emotions and their reason wrestled against it, their spirits were in agreement with the voice of God. When I hear these accounts, I would often wonder what it felt like to feel God urging me to make a decision that could change my life for...

A couple of days ago, I received a packet of information for my didactic year of PA school. Out of the 9 sheets of paper, 7 of them have lists of required purchases. Books, medical supplies (I get to circle my color preference for my stethoscope), membership fees for 2 different organizations, and a fee for a background check (strangest thing I've ever heard). As I read through each page of requirements, my head began to spin and my heart began to sink. This all seems so ... irreversible. I told a friend that at times I feel like I was pushed onto one of those escalators in the airports (the ones that are just flat and not stairs), and I find myself moving rapidly toward a direction with no way out. But a part of me is also excited to see what awaits me at the end of the moving strip. I suppose it had never really hit me that I am about to be trained in the medical field until I realized I'm being asked to buy an otoscope. I'm still struggling a bit with what I want t...

I've been slowly making my way through Francis Chan's Crazy Love and today I arrived at an excerpt by A.W. Tozer that was such a beautiful yet painful depiction of my heart's cry that I simply had to put it in here. I pray that this resonates with you as well as it did with me. "O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."