Growing Pangs
I know it should be "pains", but for me, it's more like bouts of difficulty interrupted by periods of longing for more difficulty so that I can know that I'm growing. It's been on my mind alot lately. Not just the typical "I want to get up and get out of here" feeling of teenage rebellion, but more a dissatisfaction of the comfortably easy life that I've lived up until now. So comfortable that it's slowly becoming a bit suffocating.
I'm a romantic, or a daydreamer, or a girl who has made wishful thinking such a part of her mind that it's difficult separate the lofty from the realistic. But even so, I have a simple longing right now to be on my own. Not a lone ranger or someone who sits in a park by herself all day. But working, sleeping, eating, achieving, planning, and simply living without my bubble wrap. To feel satisfaction in the personal triumphs, to make my own decisions, to go places with people when I want to go, to work when I feel like I can take on some more responsibility, to spend money on something a bit more lavish because I worked for it and feel like I can deserve a treat. To say no and to say yes and to know that I said it.
I sit in the loft of my mind, letting these pleasant daydreams stroll to and fro before me. But then I walk downstairs to the more grounded thoughts and I realize that this isn't as easy as my "made-for-a-movie" thoughts would have me believe. I come home everyday to a beautiful house, with a beautiful family, with food ALL the time and people to talk to and complain to or celebrate with. I can lock myself in my room when I want privacy, or walk next door to chat when I'm lonely. Invite friends over if I'm REALLY lonely, or just feel like it, and all the while be my own person. Sort of. But is it strange that even with all this provided for me since the day I was born, I feel strangely content when I'm left home alone (I joke about how my family "leaves" me when this happens...but I like it..) with no one around but me and my thoughts. I go about my business as if everyone was still around, but I just... I'm alone. And I like it. It's a bit scary to think about, but I like it.
I think I'm going to get my license in about a month. Time to practice that parallel parking... But I think (as incredibly corny and disgusting as this next metaphor is going to be) that it's a pretty good example of what I'm going through right now. Sure I've driven by myself or without my parents next to me (they don't know that btw) but they would never LET me drive alone. Knowingly. They have to be next to me to make sure I don't die. And of course they're okay with me getting my license now, and know that I can do it, but still...I can imagine it is hard for them to know that I'll be loose on the streets of New York City with all the crazy drivers and narrow one way streets, or even worse, narrow two way streets. But they have to and they know it.
All my life, my parents have done all they could to provide a place, a home, where we as the kids would want to come back to. If we didn't feel like coming home for some reason, I could hear the hurt in their voices, or in my dad's case, the insistence that we come home immediately. He was never so angry at me than when he asked me when we were gonna go home from a friend's house and I joked "never!...heheh..." Sometimes he would joke if we wanted to go somewhere and just say "why do you want to go..just stay home with me...". And I understand. I want to stay here, I love coming home to my house. Even my friends love to come home here. But ...
Another thing I've noticed is that I don't just have my parents pulling me home. My siblings pull me home too. Lately, I've noticed that both Luke and Rebekah have almost taken on a parental role with me...which is strange because I'm the oldest. Luke would never let me do anything mildly dangerous, or at least he would be kind of annoyed/upset if I wanted to (lol). That was a bad example, but it's just I feel like his little sister sometimes. And I dont know why it bothers me. Rebekah calls me to ask when I'm coming home, and I know that she's afraid to lose me more than Luke is. She gets annoyed when I stay up late, "Don't you have an early class tomorrow?..Go to sleep". And she's sad when I come home later. She's lonely without me, and it hurts to see her sad and afraid while knowing that it is inevitable that I'll leave sooner or later. I feel a little stuck. Or more than a little stuck.
To top it all off, I feel somewhere in the back of my mind that with the kind of parents that I have, I'm the last person who's allowed to feel this way. Everyone else would kind of roll their eyes and say, "How can she be complaining...she has no idea what I would give ..." etc etc.
And I don't know God's will for my life enough that I can take His word above my parents'.
I'm a romantic, or a daydreamer, or a girl who has made wishful thinking such a part of her mind that it's difficult separate the lofty from the realistic. But even so, I have a simple longing right now to be on my own. Not a lone ranger or someone who sits in a park by herself all day. But working, sleeping, eating, achieving, planning, and simply living without my bubble wrap. To feel satisfaction in the personal triumphs, to make my own decisions, to go places with people when I want to go, to work when I feel like I can take on some more responsibility, to spend money on something a bit more lavish because I worked for it and feel like I can deserve a treat. To say no and to say yes and to know that I said it.
I sit in the loft of my mind, letting these pleasant daydreams stroll to and fro before me. But then I walk downstairs to the more grounded thoughts and I realize that this isn't as easy as my "made-for-a-movie" thoughts would have me believe. I come home everyday to a beautiful house, with a beautiful family, with food ALL the time and people to talk to and complain to or celebrate with. I can lock myself in my room when I want privacy, or walk next door to chat when I'm lonely. Invite friends over if I'm REALLY lonely, or just feel like it, and all the while be my own person. Sort of. But is it strange that even with all this provided for me since the day I was born, I feel strangely content when I'm left home alone (I joke about how my family "leaves" me when this happens...but I like it..) with no one around but me and my thoughts. I go about my business as if everyone was still around, but I just... I'm alone. And I like it. It's a bit scary to think about, but I like it.
I think I'm going to get my license in about a month. Time to practice that parallel parking... But I think (as incredibly corny and disgusting as this next metaphor is going to be) that it's a pretty good example of what I'm going through right now. Sure I've driven by myself or without my parents next to me (they don't know that btw) but they would never LET me drive alone. Knowingly. They have to be next to me to make sure I don't die. And of course they're okay with me getting my license now, and know that I can do it, but still...I can imagine it is hard for them to know that I'll be loose on the streets of New York City with all the crazy drivers and narrow one way streets, or even worse, narrow two way streets. But they have to and they know it.
All my life, my parents have done all they could to provide a place, a home, where we as the kids would want to come back to. If we didn't feel like coming home for some reason, I could hear the hurt in their voices, or in my dad's case, the insistence that we come home immediately. He was never so angry at me than when he asked me when we were gonna go home from a friend's house and I joked "never!...heheh..." Sometimes he would joke if we wanted to go somewhere and just say "why do you want to go..just stay home with me...". And I understand. I want to stay here, I love coming home to my house. Even my friends love to come home here. But ...
Another thing I've noticed is that I don't just have my parents pulling me home. My siblings pull me home too. Lately, I've noticed that both Luke and Rebekah have almost taken on a parental role with me...which is strange because I'm the oldest. Luke would never let me do anything mildly dangerous, or at least he would be kind of annoyed/upset if I wanted to (lol). That was a bad example, but it's just I feel like his little sister sometimes. And I dont know why it bothers me. Rebekah calls me to ask when I'm coming home, and I know that she's afraid to lose me more than Luke is. She gets annoyed when I stay up late, "Don't you have an early class tomorrow?..Go to sleep". And she's sad when I come home later. She's lonely without me, and it hurts to see her sad and afraid while knowing that it is inevitable that I'll leave sooner or later. I feel a little stuck. Or more than a little stuck.
To top it all off, I feel somewhere in the back of my mind that with the kind of parents that I have, I'm the last person who's allowed to feel this way. Everyone else would kind of roll their eyes and say, "How can she be complaining...she has no idea what I would give ..." etc etc.
And I don't know God's will for my life enough that I can take His word above my parents'.
Comments
..maybe the first step starts with not having to feel like you need permission from your parents to do things. That you don't feel like you always have to ask..because then you'll always feel like a child who needs a permission slip..and they'll always feel like they need to make decisions for you...maybe you need to get to a point where you can just tell them what you've decided to do. Yep..just a thought.