Happy is a Yuppy Word
How much of happiness is an emotion, and how much of it is a state of mind? Are unhappy people unfortunate enough to have less opportunities to experience the emotion of happiness, or are they simply so used to feeling unhappy that they have almost subconsciously willed themselves into unhappiness...
If I have to be completely honest with myself, it's been very easy for me to be unhappy lately. Even as I am typing this, I am fighting off the familiar waves of sadness that lapping at my heart. It seems to be beyond my circumstances, and to be rooted in a deeper dissatisfaction. Usually when I write in here, I like to have a neat topic I can offer my two cents on, and leave it at that. But today, I just have this uncomfortable urge to figure out what is going on inside me. Why am I sad? Why do I feel so alone? What can solve this feeling of isolation that plagues me so heavily?
Sadness can really sap your energy. Last night, I came back from Julie's birthday with a heart full of joy from just having a simple good time. I got home at 9:30 and felt so awake and stayed up for a couple of hours doing work. Tonight, the sadness returned, and I can barely study or finish the things I need to do. Happy people work harder.
Maybe this is a cry for help. Maybe I just need to organize my thoughts and realize I'm just being silly. I am being silly. I still feel alone, though. This doesn't mean that I don't think that those close to me aren't doing their jobs, or that I have bad friends who don't care about me. It's a different kind of alone. A sort of alienation from everyone around me, and a longing for connection but somehow unable to make it.
Perhaps I'm in a season where God really wants me for Himself, and is leading me into the wilderness so in my loneliness I cling to Him and realize how no one can understand me quite like He can. The thought makes me feel better.
I had an interesting dream last night. I was at a fancy vacation resort complete with a gorgeous hotel, swimming pools, a cruise boat, and a heart-dropping skydiving thing. Throughout the whole dream, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Everyone I knew was on the resort with me, but I couldn't be with them somehow. I went on the skydiving thing and I was elated and so proud of myself, but when I came back down, no one had seen me do it. I wandered through so many hallways that turned into a strange concert hall, took a small passageway from behind the stage, which turned into an airport. The entire time I'm looking for the room that Dan, Rebekah, Luke, and everyone else are staying in. I call Rebekah and ask her where they are. I hear laughing in the background, but she wouldn't give me clear directions. I become frustrated and start to cry. As I kept walking, a strange lady approached me and asked if I was okay. I got angry and told her it was none of her business, but she kept following me, keeping up cheerful small talk. As we kept walking, I suddenly didn't feel so alone anymore. I woke up feeling okay.
If I have to be completely honest with myself, it's been very easy for me to be unhappy lately. Even as I am typing this, I am fighting off the familiar waves of sadness that lapping at my heart. It seems to be beyond my circumstances, and to be rooted in a deeper dissatisfaction. Usually when I write in here, I like to have a neat topic I can offer my two cents on, and leave it at that. But today, I just have this uncomfortable urge to figure out what is going on inside me. Why am I sad? Why do I feel so alone? What can solve this feeling of isolation that plagues me so heavily?
Sadness can really sap your energy. Last night, I came back from Julie's birthday with a heart full of joy from just having a simple good time. I got home at 9:30 and felt so awake and stayed up for a couple of hours doing work. Tonight, the sadness returned, and I can barely study or finish the things I need to do. Happy people work harder.
Maybe this is a cry for help. Maybe I just need to organize my thoughts and realize I'm just being silly. I am being silly. I still feel alone, though. This doesn't mean that I don't think that those close to me aren't doing their jobs, or that I have bad friends who don't care about me. It's a different kind of alone. A sort of alienation from everyone around me, and a longing for connection but somehow unable to make it.
Perhaps I'm in a season where God really wants me for Himself, and is leading me into the wilderness so in my loneliness I cling to Him and realize how no one can understand me quite like He can. The thought makes me feel better.
I had an interesting dream last night. I was at a fancy vacation resort complete with a gorgeous hotel, swimming pools, a cruise boat, and a heart-dropping skydiving thing. Throughout the whole dream, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Everyone I knew was on the resort with me, but I couldn't be with them somehow. I went on the skydiving thing and I was elated and so proud of myself, but when I came back down, no one had seen me do it. I wandered through so many hallways that turned into a strange concert hall, took a small passageway from behind the stage, which turned into an airport. The entire time I'm looking for the room that Dan, Rebekah, Luke, and everyone else are staying in. I call Rebekah and ask her where they are. I hear laughing in the background, but she wouldn't give me clear directions. I become frustrated and start to cry. As I kept walking, a strange lady approached me and asked if I was okay. I got angry and told her it was none of her business, but she kept following me, keeping up cheerful small talk. As we kept walking, I suddenly didn't feel so alone anymore. I woke up feeling okay.
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