Learning how to Lead (again)
It always surprises me how the correction of the Holy Spirit can be at once a painful and frightening event as well as a refreshing dose of loving attention. Tim Keller said that when employees screw up, they get fired, but when a child misbehaves, loving parents pay the child more attention. And that's how it feels - I'm important enough that God would take the time to reveal the sins in my heart in order for me to gain more peace, more joy, and above all else, a relationship with Him that is less hindered by the blinds of my sinful nature.
Ever since I accepted a job here in NY that would be at least a two year gig, I found myself with a renewed sense of purpose with Blueprint. In my mind, I resolved to make the most effort on my part to make my church the growing, spiritually vibrant community of young believers I envisioned it to be. And so I squared my shoulders and plunged myself into worship sets, small group meetings, powerpoint slides, PrimeTime practices, retreat planning meetings, leadership meetings. And all the while I quickly found my original resolve dampened by what I perceived to be a lack of interest on everyone else's part. The discouragement deflated my hopeful expectation that if I only tried and paid attention to the details and made sure everyone was on point that Blueprint would start to go places its never gone before.
By the time we had our last Primetime practice before the actual night, I was very disheartened by what I like to call the "no one cares as much as I do" mentality. If people were late to practice, I'd be devastated. If a set wasn't well prepared, my frustration was barely contained. To be fair I felt truly alone and saddened by a general lack of motivation. However, although the case may very well be that each of the individuals in Blueprint were going through a period of complacency or distraction, but the issue here isn't so much whether not my perception of them was accurate, but that my perception of myself was not.
At Primetime, God reminded me of His faithfulness, and that if we do our part and earnestly desire for Him to do a work in our midst, He is faithful and true to speak and move. I began the night heart-weary and afraid that my lack of preparation would equal a subpar night of music and fidgety youth. But by the end of the night, all I could do was smile, my soul revived by His presence and encouraged by the experience of Him being true to His promises.
It was with this mood that I entered into our summer retreat, which happened only three days after Primetime. Throughout the days, I found myself doing things that I haven't done in a while it seems, and learning how to be a leader in ways that I hadn't really done before. Instead of bustling about preparing for this and that, I played Apples to Apples with Winnie, Jessica, and Meaghan until 30 seconds before an evening session began because I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit to do so and that those girls needed it - we had such a fun and light-hearted time and I knew it was a small but important way for me to show them love through relationship rather than through an organized meeting. And then, on the night of the bonfire, as David Herling was finishing up a public confession, my heart began to beat violently and I burned with the internal struggle of a confession that I knew God wanted me to make: and so I did. I publicly apologized to my brother for various things in our relationship and it was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
I've often heard (and probably said myself) that being a leader doesn't mean always having all the answers, or being strong all the time, or being able to do it all alone. But for so long I've struggled with still being convinced that I had to do all those things. If I don't, who will? I can't afford to be vulnerable when so many people are looking to me for strength. I can't let everyone down. When everyone's down, I have to stay cheerful to keep the atmosphere positive. But in the last week or so, God asked me to do things that I was quite uncomfortable doing: namely foregoing a lot of preparation for spending quality time with people, and asking me to reveal my weaknesses. And with each act of obedience my heart swelled with His pleasure and I enjoyed a freedom that I haven't felt in a long time.
Sometimes it takes real life application in order to learn a difficult concept, and showing vulnerability in order to be a stronger leader is one of those things. It's so paradoxical and contrary to my instincts of self-preservation. But I can now say that I've had a small taste of what Paul meant when he said that Jesus' strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. When I step out of the way and allow Him to do a deep and authentic work in people's hearts, and when I see people's hearts softened and lives transformed in ways I could never accomplish with human persuasion or empathy, that's when I feel the strength of His spirit within me. Working through me not in spite of my weakness, but because of it.
My prayer now is that I will take these lessons to heart and not fall back on my overly anxious, fearfully controlling attitude to ministry. Old habits may be hard to break, but I know that this is something that God wants me to learn and grow in, and has taken the time to reveal and correct these issues in me. How loved are we, that He would not only make a way for us to be with Him forever eventually through Jesus, but that He also works to perfect us even as we are living in a fallen state in a fallen world!
Ever since I accepted a job here in NY that would be at least a two year gig, I found myself with a renewed sense of purpose with Blueprint. In my mind, I resolved to make the most effort on my part to make my church the growing, spiritually vibrant community of young believers I envisioned it to be. And so I squared my shoulders and plunged myself into worship sets, small group meetings, powerpoint slides, PrimeTime practices, retreat planning meetings, leadership meetings. And all the while I quickly found my original resolve dampened by what I perceived to be a lack of interest on everyone else's part. The discouragement deflated my hopeful expectation that if I only tried and paid attention to the details and made sure everyone was on point that Blueprint would start to go places its never gone before.
By the time we had our last Primetime practice before the actual night, I was very disheartened by what I like to call the "no one cares as much as I do" mentality. If people were late to practice, I'd be devastated. If a set wasn't well prepared, my frustration was barely contained. To be fair I felt truly alone and saddened by a general lack of motivation. However, although the case may very well be that each of the individuals in Blueprint were going through a period of complacency or distraction, but the issue here isn't so much whether not my perception of them was accurate, but that my perception of myself was not.
At Primetime, God reminded me of His faithfulness, and that if we do our part and earnestly desire for Him to do a work in our midst, He is faithful and true to speak and move. I began the night heart-weary and afraid that my lack of preparation would equal a subpar night of music and fidgety youth. But by the end of the night, all I could do was smile, my soul revived by His presence and encouraged by the experience of Him being true to His promises.
It was with this mood that I entered into our summer retreat, which happened only three days after Primetime. Throughout the days, I found myself doing things that I haven't done in a while it seems, and learning how to be a leader in ways that I hadn't really done before. Instead of bustling about preparing for this and that, I played Apples to Apples with Winnie, Jessica, and Meaghan until 30 seconds before an evening session began because I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit to do so and that those girls needed it - we had such a fun and light-hearted time and I knew it was a small but important way for me to show them love through relationship rather than through an organized meeting. And then, on the night of the bonfire, as David Herling was finishing up a public confession, my heart began to beat violently and I burned with the internal struggle of a confession that I knew God wanted me to make: and so I did. I publicly apologized to my brother for various things in our relationship and it was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
I've often heard (and probably said myself) that being a leader doesn't mean always having all the answers, or being strong all the time, or being able to do it all alone. But for so long I've struggled with still being convinced that I had to do all those things. If I don't, who will? I can't afford to be vulnerable when so many people are looking to me for strength. I can't let everyone down. When everyone's down, I have to stay cheerful to keep the atmosphere positive. But in the last week or so, God asked me to do things that I was quite uncomfortable doing: namely foregoing a lot of preparation for spending quality time with people, and asking me to reveal my weaknesses. And with each act of obedience my heart swelled with His pleasure and I enjoyed a freedom that I haven't felt in a long time.
Sometimes it takes real life application in order to learn a difficult concept, and showing vulnerability in order to be a stronger leader is one of those things. It's so paradoxical and contrary to my instincts of self-preservation. But I can now say that I've had a small taste of what Paul meant when he said that Jesus' strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. When I step out of the way and allow Him to do a deep and authentic work in people's hearts, and when I see people's hearts softened and lives transformed in ways I could never accomplish with human persuasion or empathy, that's when I feel the strength of His spirit within me. Working through me not in spite of my weakness, but because of it.
My prayer now is that I will take these lessons to heart and not fall back on my overly anxious, fearfully controlling attitude to ministry. Old habits may be hard to break, but I know that this is something that God wants me to learn and grow in, and has taken the time to reveal and correct these issues in me. How loved are we, that He would not only make a way for us to be with Him forever eventually through Jesus, but that He also works to perfect us even as we are living in a fallen state in a fallen world!
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