This is my winter song to You
It's 1AM right now, and I'm not tired yet. Sleep has been especially elusive lately, which is strange for me. I'm the one who has never pulled an all-nighter for school, who begins to feel my bed beckoning me around 10:30, and is usually knocked out within the hour. It's an odd feeling, but perhaps it's something I should get used to. I've been learning alot of new things about myself lately.
I've also learned that peace is very different from nonchalance.
I've heard stories from people I respect and admire about different times in their lives when they say they heard God ask them to make a difficult choice. They say that they just knew that they had to (fill in difficult life decision here) and even though their emotions and their reason wrestled against it, their spirits were in agreement with the voice of God. When I hear these accounts, I would often wonder what it felt like to feel God urging me to make a decision that could change my life forever, and follow through on blind faith. If this happened to me, would I be able to follow through?
In 2004, my family left the church that we had been pastoring for 7 years. It was a painful and difficult decision for my parents; they left it rather hurt and disillusioned. For the next 2 years, my family began to serve at another church indefinitely, but we all had one foot out the door..except for my dad. In these two years, it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Our lawyer messed up my parents' paperwork so that they couldn't leave the country for a few years, and in that window of time, both of my grandfathers passed away within 6 months of each other. My parents couldn't attend either funeral. In 2005, my sister and I spent the summer in Vancouver, and we fell in love with the church, the people, even a school that was there. There was a house on sale right next to my aunt's, and our relatives were all trying to convince us to move back to Canada. We came home after a fun summer, and began to pressure my dad to move back as well. I had just finished my freshman year of high school and I wasn't impressed by my school. Everything in Vancouver seemed brighter, newer, more exciting. My mom also yearned to rejoin her family there, until finally, my dad told her that if she insisted we move, he would do it. However, he still felt that we had unfinished business here in New York, and that God wanted him to stay. That night, my mom prayed and suddenly, she felt like God was exposing to her the true motivations of her heart, and she realized that although it is easy to say that we have faith, we often end up arranging for our own comfort so that we have a backup plan in case God doesn't follow through. After she prayed, she made the decision to never bring up moving from New York, and would stay here until God releases my parents from ministry.
After the decision to stay was made, we began a house church in our living room. The first meeting had around 33 adults..and perhaps 6 youth in the afternoon. Today, the number has more than tripled on both ends. My sophomore year of high school was also the first most transformative year in my spiritual walk with the Lord. He revealed so much of His anointing and ministry through me, in ways that I am certain would not have happened if we moved to Vancouver. As for the church in Vancouver that my sister and I were crazy about, God really protected us from a terrible scandal and church splitting that occurred only a year after we visited. Nearly all the youth left, and the pastor and his wife are now in the midst of a painful divorce. None of these things could have been foreseen by my parents when they made the decision to stay. The only thing they had going was the inner voice in their spirits, clearly telling them the will of God, but not giving them much else to go on. And yet, their gesture of faith and surrender reaped blessings for us for years. This is the most tangible example in my life that I can think of that shows me how much God values obedience, even when it pains us or scares us half to death. And His faithfulness and love trump the risks we take by a thousandfold!
Before this summer, I had been living in an okay world for the last couple of years. Things in my life had settled into a rhythm without many challenges. I served my own will, my own comforts, and things generally leaned toward my will and I was comfortable. I was mostly nonchalant, happy and content. Although I had times of loneliness and struggles, and God definitely challenged me to grow in different ways, I find that most of my decisions were made to please my flesh. I was surrounded by love and success. School wasn't easy, but I reaped the full reward of the amount of work I put in (if not more). Ministry was tiring at times, but the youth coming to church were hungry for God, encouraging, and loving.
But now, I know that I am about to walk into an entirely different season in my life. I think the word "season" is interesting. It's used so often in Christian circles to describe a particular block of time in one's life in which God does something specific, whether it is to challenge and test, or bless and encourage. But they can be like actual seasons as well. One of my favorite things about New York is that we have 4 very distinct seasons, and one of my favorite seasons is Autumn. There's something about the smell, and the coolness of the air, and the leaves changing, that all seems to whisper the coming of winter. I mean it's almost like Autumn prepares the world for Winter, so that when it comes, we're not so caught off guard. It's soft, gentle, and full of promise (because for all of us who are still in the school system, September is the real new year). Winter, on the other hand, is one of my least favorite. The biggest reason for it is that I get sick very easily, so that I'm almost always out of commission at least twice every winter (each time lasting about a week). But the more I think about it, the more I realize that there are things about winter that I absolutely love. I love the way the snow quiets the city, or the way hot coffee feels when you're freezing cold, or the way you can spend a Saturday in your warmest robe. These small blessings in an otherwise difficult season are enough for me to miss winter when the long summer days begin to drag on.
So what am I ranting about? I'm honestly not quite sure. Give me a break it's 2AM now. I guess my point somewhere in there was that even though I know that this coming year will not be easy, I know that I serve an incredibly gracious God, and that I will not obey out of fear or bitterness, but out of love and an assurance that He is a good Father. And every season has its beauty, I just can't forget to keep my eyes open for it.
It's August and my first day of classes is about 2 weeks away. This summer has been life-changing in many different ways. I can't even begin to explain what has happened in my heart in just a few short months. But what I can say is that for the first time in my life, I feel like God is clearly telling me His will, and it really is scary and painful for me from where I stand today. But I don't want to live in the moment, and make decisions day by day on how I feel. I don't want to live randomly.
He gives and takes away. Then He gives some more.
I've also learned that peace is very different from nonchalance.
I've heard stories from people I respect and admire about different times in their lives when they say they heard God ask them to make a difficult choice. They say that they just knew that they had to (fill in difficult life decision here) and even though their emotions and their reason wrestled against it, their spirits were in agreement with the voice of God. When I hear these accounts, I would often wonder what it felt like to feel God urging me to make a decision that could change my life forever, and follow through on blind faith. If this happened to me, would I be able to follow through?
In 2004, my family left the church that we had been pastoring for 7 years. It was a painful and difficult decision for my parents; they left it rather hurt and disillusioned. For the next 2 years, my family began to serve at another church indefinitely, but we all had one foot out the door..except for my dad. In these two years, it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Our lawyer messed up my parents' paperwork so that they couldn't leave the country for a few years, and in that window of time, both of my grandfathers passed away within 6 months of each other. My parents couldn't attend either funeral. In 2005, my sister and I spent the summer in Vancouver, and we fell in love with the church, the people, even a school that was there. There was a house on sale right next to my aunt's, and our relatives were all trying to convince us to move back to Canada. We came home after a fun summer, and began to pressure my dad to move back as well. I had just finished my freshman year of high school and I wasn't impressed by my school. Everything in Vancouver seemed brighter, newer, more exciting. My mom also yearned to rejoin her family there, until finally, my dad told her that if she insisted we move, he would do it. However, he still felt that we had unfinished business here in New York, and that God wanted him to stay. That night, my mom prayed and suddenly, she felt like God was exposing to her the true motivations of her heart, and she realized that although it is easy to say that we have faith, we often end up arranging for our own comfort so that we have a backup plan in case God doesn't follow through. After she prayed, she made the decision to never bring up moving from New York, and would stay here until God releases my parents from ministry.
After the decision to stay was made, we began a house church in our living room. The first meeting had around 33 adults..and perhaps 6 youth in the afternoon. Today, the number has more than tripled on both ends. My sophomore year of high school was also the first most transformative year in my spiritual walk with the Lord. He revealed so much of His anointing and ministry through me, in ways that I am certain would not have happened if we moved to Vancouver. As for the church in Vancouver that my sister and I were crazy about, God really protected us from a terrible scandal and church splitting that occurred only a year after we visited. Nearly all the youth left, and the pastor and his wife are now in the midst of a painful divorce. None of these things could have been foreseen by my parents when they made the decision to stay. The only thing they had going was the inner voice in their spirits, clearly telling them the will of God, but not giving them much else to go on. And yet, their gesture of faith and surrender reaped blessings for us for years. This is the most tangible example in my life that I can think of that shows me how much God values obedience, even when it pains us or scares us half to death. And His faithfulness and love trump the risks we take by a thousandfold!
Before this summer, I had been living in an okay world for the last couple of years. Things in my life had settled into a rhythm without many challenges. I served my own will, my own comforts, and things generally leaned toward my will and I was comfortable. I was mostly nonchalant, happy and content. Although I had times of loneliness and struggles, and God definitely challenged me to grow in different ways, I find that most of my decisions were made to please my flesh. I was surrounded by love and success. School wasn't easy, but I reaped the full reward of the amount of work I put in (if not more). Ministry was tiring at times, but the youth coming to church were hungry for God, encouraging, and loving.
But now, I know that I am about to walk into an entirely different season in my life. I think the word "season" is interesting. It's used so often in Christian circles to describe a particular block of time in one's life in which God does something specific, whether it is to challenge and test, or bless and encourage. But they can be like actual seasons as well. One of my favorite things about New York is that we have 4 very distinct seasons, and one of my favorite seasons is Autumn. There's something about the smell, and the coolness of the air, and the leaves changing, that all seems to whisper the coming of winter. I mean it's almost like Autumn prepares the world for Winter, so that when it comes, we're not so caught off guard. It's soft, gentle, and full of promise (because for all of us who are still in the school system, September is the real new year). Winter, on the other hand, is one of my least favorite. The biggest reason for it is that I get sick very easily, so that I'm almost always out of commission at least twice every winter (each time lasting about a week). But the more I think about it, the more I realize that there are things about winter that I absolutely love. I love the way the snow quiets the city, or the way hot coffee feels when you're freezing cold, or the way you can spend a Saturday in your warmest robe. These small blessings in an otherwise difficult season are enough for me to miss winter when the long summer days begin to drag on.
So what am I ranting about? I'm honestly not quite sure. Give me a break it's 2AM now. I guess my point somewhere in there was that even though I know that this coming year will not be easy, I know that I serve an incredibly gracious God, and that I will not obey out of fear or bitterness, but out of love and an assurance that He is a good Father. And every season has its beauty, I just can't forget to keep my eyes open for it.
It's August and my first day of classes is about 2 weeks away. This summer has been life-changing in many different ways. I can't even begin to explain what has happened in my heart in just a few short months. But what I can say is that for the first time in my life, I feel like God is clearly telling me His will, and it really is scary and painful for me from where I stand today. But I don't want to live in the moment, and make decisions day by day on how I feel. I don't want to live randomly.
He gives and takes away. Then He gives some more.
Comments