Wandering in my Wondering
Mondays are inspirational chat days with mommy over a late breakfast while my dad half-listens at his computer a few feet away. I love talking to her sometimes, and today we floated towards the topic of colleges and what God is doing on campuses. On Friday night, David Van Fleet said that the presidential election of this year will influence the fate of this country for the next 30 or 40 years. When I thought about it, I realized that that would be my entire adulthood. It's a bit scary to think about, and to know that the choices that my generation makes at the very end of our teenage years (and as my first year as an almost-adult) will have such lasting effects. And we will have to deal with the bulk of the consequences. And I rarely think about politics other than to just sigh and say "oh I don't like either of them...". Sometimes, my oblivion to the world around me is a choice that I make in order to keep myself on task with all that my own petty life throws at me. But sometimes I allow myself to peep out of my shell and not only does the world seem so much bigger than I remembered, it seems to be asking me for help.
Me? For help? The famous line of "but what can I do?" slips out before I have a chance to stop myself. Then I realize that every friend that I have made for such a long time is made so that they become a reflection of who I am, a reassurance that I'm an okay person, a source of companionship that distracts me from heavier topics in life, an inspiration to help me be better, providers of love and laughter. But it all stems from my own needs. And I know (or at least hope) that my friendship to them is a somewhat fair trade. But what now? Am I being an influence to those who need to be influenced in the right way? Or am I simply finding people who can share my pain, share my joys, comfort me in my failures, rejoice in my successes. Of course there isn't anything wrong with these things, and I desperately need people who can just love me sometimes. But when the friendship ends at what I can give and what I can get, then it hovers above the God-given potential for something deeper and eternal.
What do I really want? I want to be whole again so that I don't have to keep searching for people who can fulfill what I crave or even nod in understanding as they show me their own holes. We stare at the holes in each other, tearing with sympathy but unable to do anything to help. We try to point the other into the right direction, but when we don't go there with them, the whole experiment becomes push and pull. I want to be whole so that my influence on campus does not stop at my lack of interest to become social. I want more than just a small group of friends to study with, eat with, talk with. I have a feeling that if I don't prepare myself to sacrifice my life and my time for the sake of the gospel now, then when my generation hits the rocks, they will be scrambling for a hope and a love that I could have given but chose not to.
My preoccupation with who I am and my character and my personality and my idiosyncrasies and my weaknesses will blind me to the reason God placed me on this earth: Him and other people. Why am I always wondering what people think of me, what God thinks of me, whether not I'm doing the right thing, doing okay, doing good? Why don't I just do it instead of wandering in my wondering? I've neglected my purpose because I've been distracted by myself.
I'm worried about my generation. About our generation. About the future of America as the spirit of deception and confusion continues to blur the lines between wrong and right, good and evil. How long have I been swimming in the very same questions? And if we, as children of God, are so easily deceived, then what about those who don't have the protection of the Holy Spirit? I'm almost afraid to think about it.
Me? For help? The famous line of "but what can I do?" slips out before I have a chance to stop myself. Then I realize that every friend that I have made for such a long time is made so that they become a reflection of who I am, a reassurance that I'm an okay person, a source of companionship that distracts me from heavier topics in life, an inspiration to help me be better, providers of love and laughter. But it all stems from my own needs. And I know (or at least hope) that my friendship to them is a somewhat fair trade. But what now? Am I being an influence to those who need to be influenced in the right way? Or am I simply finding people who can share my pain, share my joys, comfort me in my failures, rejoice in my successes. Of course there isn't anything wrong with these things, and I desperately need people who can just love me sometimes. But when the friendship ends at what I can give and what I can get, then it hovers above the God-given potential for something deeper and eternal.
What do I really want? I want to be whole again so that I don't have to keep searching for people who can fulfill what I crave or even nod in understanding as they show me their own holes. We stare at the holes in each other, tearing with sympathy but unable to do anything to help. We try to point the other into the right direction, but when we don't go there with them, the whole experiment becomes push and pull. I want to be whole so that my influence on campus does not stop at my lack of interest to become social. I want more than just a small group of friends to study with, eat with, talk with. I have a feeling that if I don't prepare myself to sacrifice my life and my time for the sake of the gospel now, then when my generation hits the rocks, they will be scrambling for a hope and a love that I could have given but chose not to.
My preoccupation with who I am and my character and my personality and my idiosyncrasies and my weaknesses will blind me to the reason God placed me on this earth: Him and other people. Why am I always wondering what people think of me, what God thinks of me, whether not I'm doing the right thing, doing okay, doing good? Why don't I just do it instead of wandering in my wondering? I've neglected my purpose because I've been distracted by myself.
I'm worried about my generation. About our generation. About the future of America as the spirit of deception and confusion continues to blur the lines between wrong and right, good and evil. How long have I been swimming in the very same questions? And if we, as children of God, are so easily deceived, then what about those who don't have the protection of the Holy Spirit? I'm almost afraid to think about it.
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