Follow Me
So tonight is the all-night prayer meeting and tomorrow we'll be heading down to Jersey to witness the beginnings of a powerful work of God at Rutgers. And I've been pondering these things as I pulled myself out of bed this morning while the sky was still dark. I scrolled through a groggy mental list of to-dos, wondered about breakfast, and then felt a sudden weariness wash over me as I realized that my to-dos stretched much farther than just chem lab and a few classes. Despite my musings and my constant attempts at reaching profundity, my spirit has felt dry and perhaps even angry at God for a while.
Why am I angry? I felt this feeling creep up on me in my struggle against His will, and although I knew in my head and in my heart that His love for me goes beyond my present stubbornness and rebellion, I can't help but ask Him why. Why these circumstances, why am I like this? Why did those things happen to me as a young girl when I didn't understand? Now I find myself trapped in this confusion and shame that I've known longer than most people know.
This morning, as I walked to the bus stop, I broke the silence in the air and prayed aloud to God. I asked Him my questions, but just as you begin to speak to a long-time friend after an argument, the more I talked, the more my heart melted and broke until soon I could say was "I miss you." God I miss you.
I opened up My Utmost for His Highest today, and, as usual, it hit me pretty hard.
"We have the idea that we ought to shield ourselves from some of the things God brings round us. Never! God engineers circumstances and whatever they may be like we have to see that we face them while abiding continually with Him in His temptations. They are HIS temptations, not temptations to us, but temptations to the life of the Son of God in us. The honor of Jesus Christ is at stake in your bodily life. Are you remaining loyal to the Song of God in the things which beset His life in you?
Do you continue to go with Him? The way lies through Gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp; the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left, only the voice, "Follow me."
So beyond my disappointment in my schoolwork, my heartache between friends, my ministry work, my constant self-analysis, the longings of my heart that I feel no one can truly understand, I have chosen to follow Christ. And I have shamed the life of Jesus within me long enough.
Yesterday, just walking in the city with the wonderful breeze and the excitement of the evening bustle alleviated much of my stress. Being with a friend, perusing through vintage clothes and records and magazines, eating a burger. Simple pleasures again, but it made me feel calmer, and helped me look beyond my little dirt hill that I could have easily stepped over but refused to for some strange reason.
You know, now that I think about it, the to-do list isn't any shorter (well we can check off chem lab), but I think I'm okay.
P.S. Check out my new Phil Wickham song =)
Why am I angry? I felt this feeling creep up on me in my struggle against His will, and although I knew in my head and in my heart that His love for me goes beyond my present stubbornness and rebellion, I can't help but ask Him why. Why these circumstances, why am I like this? Why did those things happen to me as a young girl when I didn't understand? Now I find myself trapped in this confusion and shame that I've known longer than most people know.
This morning, as I walked to the bus stop, I broke the silence in the air and prayed aloud to God. I asked Him my questions, but just as you begin to speak to a long-time friend after an argument, the more I talked, the more my heart melted and broke until soon I could say was "I miss you." God I miss you.
I opened up My Utmost for His Highest today, and, as usual, it hit me pretty hard.
"We have the idea that we ought to shield ourselves from some of the things God brings round us. Never! God engineers circumstances and whatever they may be like we have to see that we face them while abiding continually with Him in His temptations. They are HIS temptations, not temptations to us, but temptations to the life of the Son of God in us. The honor of Jesus Christ is at stake in your bodily life. Are you remaining loyal to the Song of God in the things which beset His life in you?
Do you continue to go with Him? The way lies through Gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp; the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left, only the voice, "Follow me."
So beyond my disappointment in my schoolwork, my heartache between friends, my ministry work, my constant self-analysis, the longings of my heart that I feel no one can truly understand, I have chosen to follow Christ. And I have shamed the life of Jesus within me long enough.
Yesterday, just walking in the city with the wonderful breeze and the excitement of the evening bustle alleviated much of my stress. Being with a friend, perusing through vintage clothes and records and magazines, eating a burger. Simple pleasures again, but it made me feel calmer, and helped me look beyond my little dirt hill that I could have easily stepped over but refused to for some strange reason.
You know, now that I think about it, the to-do list isn't any shorter (well we can check off chem lab), but I think I'm okay.
P.S. Check out my new Phil Wickham song =)
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