The Promise of a Dream
Some people are "morning people" and others are "night owls". I've recently realized that I'm actually both - or maybe I'm just not that into afternoons.
I like the mornings because they bring a promise of productivity. And one of the perks of working three 12-hour shifts a week at the hospital is I have a lot of free days. And on these days off, I always wake up with the desire to really do something special, to make something of myself, and to get one step closer to becoming the person I've always dreamed I would be.
And then the afternoon creeps up on me. I've cleaned my room, listened to music, caught up on my shows, and it's probably time I figure out what I'd like to eat for lunch! Before I know it, the promise of productivity begins to feel less like a promise and more like a deadline. My optimistic vision for today is not exactly turning out the way I planned, and the more I putter around my house the more I find myself losing the fresh-faced enthusiasm I had just a few hours ago.
As for the productivity I had hoped to achieve, a lot of it has to with writing and music. I just started reading "Quitters" by Jon Acuff (recommended to me by Jesse who is also working a day job that doesn't really align with his dream) and it has really helped me put into perspective the difference between emotional dreaming and actually setting out to achieve your dream.
Most of my close friends have heard my noncommittal answer to the common question "Do you like your job?". It usually sounds something like, "It's not a bad first job...but it's not really what I picture myself doing forever." But I've never really committed myself to an alternative dream or set out to actually become something different. I know what I like to do, I know vaguely what I'm good at, but at the end of the day, I'm afraid to run the risk of failing. As long as I can stay perched in my safe day job, feeling dissatisfied and envious of other people who are in careers they're passionate about, then I will be the one who could potentially be awesome but may never know. Because finding out that I'm not as awesome as I thought could be way more devastating.
So now it's 8PM and my day is winding down. The disappointment of the afternoon fades with the sunset and the night brings with it a whole new wave of promises. The promise that tomorrow will be more satisfying. That adventure is out there for me, waiting just around the next warmly lit street corner. That the whole "I am meant for more than this" is not so much a complaint but a declaration. And I go to bed with my dream tucked back into the corners of my mind. I'll take it out again in the morning.
I don't want to get stuck in these cycles of delusion, apathy, and disappointment. I want to face my future with a heart full of hope, eyes fixed on who I want to become, but my finger on the pulse of reality. I'm tired of using insecurity as an excuse for my laziness. So instead of using my emotions to dictate the extent of my dreaming, I want to use my dreams to build momentum in my life. I may not have a clear-cut 10-step plan but I do know that wasting my days in idleness will simply leave me dry and numb to the longings of my heart.
The best part of it all is that I just wrote this post between 3-4PM. Maybe afternoons aren't that bad after all.
I like the mornings because they bring a promise of productivity. And one of the perks of working three 12-hour shifts a week at the hospital is I have a lot of free days. And on these days off, I always wake up with the desire to really do something special, to make something of myself, and to get one step closer to becoming the person I've always dreamed I would be.
And then the afternoon creeps up on me. I've cleaned my room, listened to music, caught up on my shows, and it's probably time I figure out what I'd like to eat for lunch! Before I know it, the promise of productivity begins to feel less like a promise and more like a deadline. My optimistic vision for today is not exactly turning out the way I planned, and the more I putter around my house the more I find myself losing the fresh-faced enthusiasm I had just a few hours ago.
As for the productivity I had hoped to achieve, a lot of it has to with writing and music. I just started reading "Quitters" by Jon Acuff (recommended to me by Jesse who is also working a day job that doesn't really align with his dream) and it has really helped me put into perspective the difference between emotional dreaming and actually setting out to achieve your dream.
Most of my close friends have heard my noncommittal answer to the common question "Do you like your job?". It usually sounds something like, "It's not a bad first job...but it's not really what I picture myself doing forever." But I've never really committed myself to an alternative dream or set out to actually become something different. I know what I like to do, I know vaguely what I'm good at, but at the end of the day, I'm afraid to run the risk of failing. As long as I can stay perched in my safe day job, feeling dissatisfied and envious of other people who are in careers they're passionate about, then I will be the one who could potentially be awesome but may never know. Because finding out that I'm not as awesome as I thought could be way more devastating.
So now it's 8PM and my day is winding down. The disappointment of the afternoon fades with the sunset and the night brings with it a whole new wave of promises. The promise that tomorrow will be more satisfying. That adventure is out there for me, waiting just around the next warmly lit street corner. That the whole "I am meant for more than this" is not so much a complaint but a declaration. And I go to bed with my dream tucked back into the corners of my mind. I'll take it out again in the morning.
I don't want to get stuck in these cycles of delusion, apathy, and disappointment. I want to face my future with a heart full of hope, eyes fixed on who I want to become, but my finger on the pulse of reality. I'm tired of using insecurity as an excuse for my laziness. So instead of using my emotions to dictate the extent of my dreaming, I want to use my dreams to build momentum in my life. I may not have a clear-cut 10-step plan but I do know that wasting my days in idleness will simply leave me dry and numb to the longings of my heart.
The best part of it all is that I just wrote this post between 3-4PM. Maybe afternoons aren't that bad after all.
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