I know what it's like on a Saturday night to be alone in a crowded street

It's been a long time since I've written anything in here. Oftentimes I don't feel like I have much to say, and I don't want to write anything that isn't worth reading. I have my own journal where I write down my ups and downs, so that by the time I open up this blog, I feel like I'm all talked out. But for some reason, I've been asked a couple of times lately to update my blog already and I realized that perhaps it's time to write again.

Loneliness is a tricky thing. Everyone feels it and yet it doesn't bring us together. Just about every other emotion - anger, joy, grief, excitement, affection, hatred - can be shared with someone, and there can be a sort of camaraderie when that person feels the same way you do. But loneliness is something experienced .. well, alone. What I mean is that inherent within the emotion of loneliness is the feeling of alienation from the rest of the world. Like that prick in your heart when you hear everyone else laughing at a joke you didn't hear or couldn't understand. But the crazy thing is that I've come to realize is that everyone feels it, if not at the same time. The idea that one can be surrounded and yet still feel completely misunderstood and alone doesn't make any sense to our logic, but everyone knows what it feels like.

Each of our lives is distinct and experienced through our own prospective lenses. No one can truly say "I know how you feel" or "I totally understand". We can only say "What you're describing to me sounds so similar to what I've experienced myself, and therefore I can try and give you what I would want in your situation." However it's part of our nature to try to convey what we are experiencing to those around us (hence this whole blogging phenomenon), in an attempt to connect with other people and rid ourselves of some of this loneliness.

I know what you guys are thinking now. "Man, Deborah must be super lonely! I should probably send her a fruit basket cause PA school is really taking its toll on her!". Well, I won't say no to the fruit basket (actually I may since I'm allergic to fruit) but I've actually been contemplating about what it really means to be "lonely" for a while now, and how, as Christians, we are supposed to deal with it. It's not that I feel it all the time, or that my life isn't filled with loving, encouraging people. That's the most interesting, or frustrating, thing about loneliness: sometimes it just comes upon us when there's no reason for it to be there. Then you begin to feel..here comes the buzzword...pathetic. We begin to feel like Eeyore, sad for no apparent reason and unappealing to other people. We feel unappealing, and begin the isolation process, which then leads to loneliness. It's a vicious cycle!

Even as I'm typing all of this up, I realized that I'm only writing from my own experiences, and from what conversations I've had with other people who have assured me that they have felt the same way. I can't assume that everyone agrees with my assessment, or there may be some fortunate individuals who don't experience this as often as others do.

But whatever the case may be, I know that as Christians, we have an amazing weapon against this crippling self-absorbed loneliness. Sometimes, I try to imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have God to pray to or I couldn't enter into His presence whenever I felt weak or depleted. The mere thought of that sort of existence brings on such a feeling of panic in me that all I can do is be incredibly grateful that I have Him. That's the weapon, guys. We have Him!

A Christian's life should be very lonely in that we are strangers in this world, we are different from those around us and many don't understand why we live the way we do. But at the same time, it should never be lonely in the way that a non-Christian's life is because we have a God who knows us more intimately than we can know ourselves, and who provides comfort and understanding in ways that surpasses any human relationship. The more I learn about who God is, the more I realize how well He knows who I am. There's an incredible amount of security in knowing that I am in relationship with the One who created me and knows me so deeply; not only my past and present state but also my future. Perhaps the reason why we feel so lonely is that we're incomplete. We haven't entered into a full relationship with God unhindered by pain and sin. We have yet to experience the completion that will come that day we see Him face to face. There's a part of our soul that is crying out for a perfection that we were created for before time began.

So if any of you have felt this inexplicable sense of dissatisfaction and incompletion deep within your heart, perhaps it's the part of you that is longing for communion with your Creator. And what an amazing thing it is that He has made that readily available for us.